Paying for it

This weekend, like thousands of other Americans, I paid for sex. I didn’t hire a sex worker – I’m not made of money you know – but I did use US dollars to create the opportunity to have the kind of sex I want. I paid for a play party ($25) and for the related dungeon membership ($10). I paid for a burlesque show ($10 + tips) and C probably spent an additional $20 on drinks which I consumed at that show. I paid for tea at Wicked Grounds in order to have access to a person I’d been hoping to meet for some time ($5.50) and coffee for the homeless man who frequents wicked grounds ($2.75) because science says giving makes you happy. This is within reason for my budget, but it is also something I’d not taken the time to calculate previously. I mentioned this to a friend whose response was along the lines of “oh yeah, I have a line item for kinky sex.” I asked her what she meant and she responded, “I track spending on books, I track spending on movies, I track spending on eating out, so I also track spending on kinky sex.” clearly, I hadn’t. My spending on kinky sex comes form different line items in my budget; “travel” for conferences and out of town play events, “entertainment and nightclubs” for play parties, “eating out” for munches and so forth.

Thinking about spending on kink leads to some interesting complications from access to meaning. On the access side, I think we can safely say that $50 for a couple to attend a four hour long play event will be prohibitive for many. For those for whom it is not a prohibitive cost, I still expect it to be a noticeable cost. How does that investment change the dynamics of your night? I have noticed over time that I have more pleasurable experiences when I have invested less rather than more into that experience. I believe this wasn’t always the case, but right now it works something like this: sex is often emotionally and logistically complex, my life is full on a lot of levels, and having an expectation of sex is decidedly not sexy, so if I come over to watch a movie and eat a burrito and neither of us have strong expectations of sex but we are interested in each other and are generally sexual with each other, this sets the stage for hot kinky sex that also feels natural and uncomplicated. If however you take me out for a fancy dinner and then we go to an expensive play party I feel like we have to play which makes me anxious which in turn makes me less into the play. And this is when money is not a source of stress for me. I remember dreading these events when my budget was tighter because there were so many more tradeoffs (and social expectations I couldn’t afford) involved.

I am also interested in the idea of sex toys as status symbols. At what point does status surpass utility? What is the utility of specially designed BDSM toys? I own many, some I own and use often, some I use with specific partners, and others were clearly impulse buys I haven’t used since the day I bought them. I also own clothes pins, art pins, bamboo sticks from the plant store, and metal pipes…whatever works. Are BDSM toys aspirational purchases? I have a single tail I use rarely, with a specific friend who lets me practice on her. I am not confidant enough with it to use it regularly; it was an aspirational buy rather than a practical one. By the same token, I just bought more rope, I could have gotten cheaper rope at home depot, but I really like hemp rope, and so I splurged. It’s something I’m confidant with, I have a partner who likes to be bound, my expected cost per use should be reasonable. But really, is there a difference between normal run of the mill road rope and organic hemp spun by virgins? When you’re bound, gagged, being punched on the ground, screaming…when I push your face into the ground hard enough to leave a bruise, will you criticize my rope?

Further, what does it mean that this taboo thing we’re doing is available for sale? What does it mean that we judge people by the money they spend on toys and parties? Who is behind the business side of BDSM? Who is profiting off you fetish? Do you know?